What Happened?

The moment you realize he will never love you for who you are is most likely the worst moment of your life. When he tells you that you are fake, rude, and your own friends agree with him is going to be the exact moment your heart stops beating and you understand how precious air is to your lungs. You will realize that no matter how often you defended him to everyone you know, how many times you cleaned up after his rye fueled tantrums, how you never stopped loving him when he screamed at you, how he sided with people who used him for his zip code and you STILL stood by and defended him, how you cleaned his house while he f*cked around with his bike/yard/boat/booze/loser friends/user friends/idiot roommate even though you pay someone to clean your own as you are allergic to dust (just like your momma), how he wouldn't/couldn't sleep with you no matter how foxy you were, he would never, ever, love you and want to be with you. You will be amazed at the amount of salty tears and endless snot that your face can produce. You will be angry, sad, happy, proud, panicked, drunk, crushed, and devastated. You will scream. You will blow your nose on the cute shirt you are wearing. You will think about the two, yes, two entire years you wasted trying to get him to love you for who you are. You will reminisce about the awesome year you dated before the two wasted ones. 

The whole time you were trying to please him and his Crown Royal habit the world was still spinning. Life was happening. You were invited to a shit load of weddings you didn't want to go to. You went to most of them. You enjoyed a few. You caught a bouquet, you avoided a few, you wanted them all...

After countless heart fractures and lectures from EVERYONE to stay away from him, the one question that remains is this: What happened???

Shit went sideways. 

No matter how much you love someone, you can't make hem love you back. You can love their family, the man who they could be, and the idea of your life together, but you can't do all the work and make it happen.  Relationships are a two way street. (Usually with construction and shitty flagers)

Somewhere in your relationship, he decided you weren't perfect. F*ck does that hurt!! How could he not love a superfox like you?? But he says he does, but he hears this from his super cool friends that you said something to someone that they thought that so and so wouldn't like, so he doesn't want to be with you now, but people can change, so maybe one day... Wait... WHAT??? Really??? NO! Get out. I don't want to be friends with you!

So where does one go from here? Great question. All I know is I often wake up wondering "What Happened?" and fall asleep alone knowing one day it won't matter.

Whose Blog is this Anyway?!

So I logged into my blog account tonight just to be sure it was mine. Yep, my user name, my password, my words. All the posts, my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences. Definitely my blog. Why is it that my blog is so upsetting to other people?

Sure, your behaviors are written about. The way you made me feel is in there. How many sleepless nights and meals I didn't eat because I was so miserable, yes, it's all out on the internets for everyone to see!! But I would like to point out: It's all about me. Me! It's my way of trying to make sense of what happened. My way of trying to forget all the bad and just remember the good. Once the words get out there I can let go of the bitterness. And by bitterness I mean bullshit.

Here's the bottom line on my blog. It's mine. Not yours. If you don't want to be written about, don't act like an asshole. If you misinterpret what I write, that's your deal, not mine. I don't put this up here so you can feel good about your self. I also don't put it up here to hurt you. If you're upset by what I've written, talk to me, don't throw your obscured version in my face to push me away. My outlook, my feelings, my blog, they're mine.

Looking forward to writing about rainbows and unicorns. Until then, I'll continue to share my trials and tribulations with who ever creeps my blog. I'll say it again: MY blog. 

Fast Forward

I wanted to write what I did for the last year while I was MIA. While I was in Boyfriend Land, lots of things happened. I went to Stampede, to the Ranchion in Kelowna, I spent another weekend in Toronto for the Rally for Kids with Cancer, I went to the Mansion in LA for Halloween again (we were Lumberjacks this year!) and I had a California Christmas with a Las Vegas mission. Strangely none of those adventures involved my wonderful, fabulous Boyfriend. He did take me camping, fishing and out on the lake quite a few times, and I loved it all, but that's not what this is about. This is about why I'm skipping the year...
I wanted my stuff from him after we broke up. I had asked my friend to get it for me but he said no, he was going to drop it off. He didn't. He texted me regularly just to check in. He called, I'm sure just to torment me, but still, no stuff! It's not like anything I had there couldn't be replaced. It was mostly camping stuff, a jacket, and another dog bed. (I live in 600 square feet, as if I need three dog beds, he sleeps with me usually!) I just wanted my things to be out of his house. As long as he had my things I sickly thought there was still a chance we would get back together. Then one day I snapped...here's the back story on the snap show:
One weekend I hosted a little get together at his place and he had a guest sit on his lap. He was very drunk, sure, but did that excuse the fact he was hitting on this chick right in front of me? He had her all cuddled up on his lap, promising her boat rides for her Birthday. It was bad enough he was acting like that, but also a little ridiculous she sat there, apparently enjoying it all. So, when I saw pictures of them together after we broke up I instantly knew something had happened between them. (I wasn't the only one with this instant reaction). Sure we weren't together, he could do what, and whom, he wanted. If he decided he felt like Cougar, that was his choice and I had no right to be upset. But I was, because my stuff was still at his house!! This wasn't when I snapped though.
I completely snapped the day I saw them become FB friends. It was about mid morning, he was at work, and he doesn't have a data plan...so I knew he had requested her friendship and she had just accepted it. There it was, in my news feed, "The Trampy Coug and Your Amazing Ex You Wanted To Get Back Together With are now friends". Within 5 minutes of seeing that I texted him saying I was coming for my stuff, that day after work. That was the snapping point.
When I arrived I knocked and walked back toward my car. He opened the door. I couldn't even look at him. He asked me how I like his new truck. I sort of just shook my head. He said "I didn't think you would." Was he retarded?? It was a huge old Dodge. Of course I liked it. But I was not going to let him know that! And why would he care if I did? And did he not know me at all?? No, he absolutely did not know me...but that's another story. He asked me if I really was blogging about him. Um, yes. And it wasn't even bad! All I had written about was our great first date. I had made him sound like a Prince, because at that point, I thought he was.
As I crammed all sorts of things I didn't really need into my car I thanked him for returning my precious (totally replaceable) belongings. He walked to his door as I got into the car and stopped and turned and asked me if that was all. I asked him what he wanted me to say. He told me I could at least say good bye. I realized I had said Good Bye months ago, just not to his face, or to myself.
As I closed my door he pouted and walked into his house in a huff. I reminded myself that he's a total people pleaser. He can't stand to have people unhappy with him. I think he wanted to be friends. He just LOVES staying friends with his exes. (Especially the married ones...again, another classy story). But you can't be friends with someone you've never had a friendship with. He went from stranger, to my boy friend, then back to stranger. How did he think that I could have anything more to say to him? My stuff was out of his life, and so was I.

Is There Something on my Face?

So I met my blind date. Being the demanding, selfish diva I am I requested a place 5 minutes from my house at a lake so I could at least have my dog exercised if the date was a flop. I brought a glass of wine for myself in a water bottle to get me through. In my defense I also brought him a can of Lucky in a Sprite can cover. Within 2 minutes I knew he was different. He didn't give me the up down look, or at least didn't get caught doing it, he offered to help me with my handful of a dog and his truck was filthy. I seem to have a thing for dirty duallys, or clean trucks, whatever. I had a great time talking to him, he threw a stick for my dog, we skipped rocks, and not once was I creeped out at all.
When he invited me to his house for blender drinks I jumped at the offer. Again, I had a great time with him. We hung out in the sun, chatted, ate. We had really similar values and outlooks. He didn't seem to be too bothered by the loaf of garlic bread I inhaled. This was going well! Too well...he must be unavailable somehow.
I had one too many blender drinks to drive, and when he said my dog and I were both welcome to spend the night I said yes. Eventually we went to his king sized bed and slept., or passed out. As I said, there were many blender drinks. In the morning I left to meet my lunch plans. He hugged me good bye, we exchanged numbers and he invited me back to his place that afternoon. All without ever kissing me, that hug was the only time he touched me at all. What. The. F*CK?
I was confused. Was there something on my face? Had I said something wrong? Was it just a pity invite and was he just not that into me? Who knows how this one is going to turn out...

Oh You Aren't Available? Then I want you!

Every once and a while I will admit that I am single because I am a little self sabotaging. I am instantly attracted to the most unavailable men. I had gone to a girlfriends Birthday dinner and sat beside her very cute brother. He was funny, nice, sweet, cute, absolutely everything I am looking for. We spent the whole night chatting, laughing and when I left I wanted to see him again. I ended up messaging my friend a few hours later and asked her to give him my number. He messaged me. We texted constantly for the next few days, but here's the thing: He lives in Alberta. He has a home there, a career there, a child there, and a crazy ex wife who will always be in his life there. After a few weeks I broke off our SMS relationship. He's not available in person, so he's not available.
A few days after that I was relaxing in the hot tub at my gym (I joined a gym for the year round heated outdoor pool and hot tub), when I spied a SUPER hot guy working out. At first I judged a little, he was wearing a V-neck T-shirt, but when he got into the hot tub sans V-neck all was forgiven. We made eye contact, he smiled, and I knew instantly he was perfect for me. I spent the next couple of days telling all my friends about how hot V-neck and how I was going to see him again. And I did see him again, on the internet, in an article about Canada's first Bachelor, the TV show. Yes, another very unavailable man I was attracted to.
One sunny Sunday shortly after I was enjoying reading "If He's Not the One, Who Is?!" poolside, getting good use of my gym membership, minding my own business when a cute, young boy approached me. He asked me to join his friend and him for a drink. As I turned to look at him I removed my ridiculously over sized sunglasses. I knew this kid! Of course I did!! Not only am I attracted to unavailable men, I attract inappropriate ones. While I did accept the invitation and have a great time enjoying beverages in the sun with him and his cute, also very young, friend, I knew the universe was trying to tell me something. Three such events so close together just drove it home: I'm done with dating...again.
Well, until next weekend, I did just agree to a blind date next...