Social media is the devil. I don't like to be Facebook friends with people I don't know very well. I use the limited profile for business contacts and anyone else I just get to know the real them first, and they me, then I add. I added The Bed Maker after another great day with him. It's a pretty big thing for me, but I took the step and let him see my profile.
He came over for dinner the day after, and mentioned he found my blog. Damn. It's my own fault. I should have never added the link on my profile. My friends know the stories first hand, so it wasn't a big deal if they read it. Having him read it though...little different. He was different, and quiet for most of the night. So was I. I couldn't stop my thinking about what he read, how he interpreted it, how he reacted. I felt pretty bad. Then I realized, I was having a feeling! I don't seem to care about men very much. I haven't dated anyone since I lived in Toronto almost two years ago. I would like to blame the West Coast Men, but at some point I'll have to admit: its me. I really can't stand the thought of being hurt, ever again. This makes me so guarded no one knows how I feel, including me. Usually this facade works well, I have fun, I work hard, I play harder, I find new fun elsewhere before I let myself get attached. The cycle continues. I don't know how long I could go on like this for but I think it should stop. The sound of his voice when he brought it up made me realize my walls don't just affect me, they affect the people in my life. He definitely doesn't deserve that.
I did what all girls do today and asked my girl friends what they thought. Here is what they said, and my responses now that I've had time to ponder their amazingly honest and appreciated comments:
CB: "It sounds like you're dating three guys and not happy with any of them, but like The Friend most"
Me: Hmm, yes it does after a second read. Perception really is everything, and I didn't see it till after, but it's the first thing CB thought. Since I've met TBM he's the only person I've seen, or wanted to see. I've stayed up way too late and gotten up way to early just to spend a few hours with him. No where did I say that, I just knew it. Did I just expect him to read my mind? Apparently.
KB: "You met a boy you can hang out with more than twice?"
Me: Yes I did, and I have nooooo idea what to do about it. At this point I'm thinking talking to friends was a flawed plan. No one quite knows how to take me when I'm trying to be serious and talk feelings.
LA: "He helps you make the bed in the morning, that's why I named him The Bed Maker. He makes you laugh, and you both have fun. No guy that makes your bed, laughs and has fun is really going to care too much about what you wrote in a blog."
Me: Sure hope so. He did say he wasn't going to read it ever again, but that doesn't make what he did read go away. Why is it such a big deal to me that he helps me make my bed, and dinner, and empty my dishwasher? The simple things really do matter I guess. Diamonds do too though, lets never forget that.
LC: "He's hot."
Me: Yes, he is, stop creeping him on FB please.
What have I learned from this weekend? Mimosa's are bottomless on Sundays, my friends are amazing and I need them more than they'll ever know, and I actually like The Bed Maker. Enough to put myself out there and see where it goes with him? We'll just have to wait and see, but I'm going to try. I did invite him to my staff Christmas function, that's something...
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Charmed and Single,
ReplyDeleteWell now this is officially my first blog, and not the only "first" I have experienced with you. I mean really, do you think I have driven to Duncan to bowl before?? Reading your blog did not upset me nor make me think any less of you. If anything it made me admire you more for being able to put yourself out there and be honest with the world. It was more of a reality check for me on having an open honest dating life. Being new to the whole dating scene, I knew as long as you were honest with one another and accepted the situation there would be no surprises and nobody gets hurt.
Being a little quiet may have had something to do with the sleepover in the superman bed on Sat and bottomless mimosa's followed by fairly late night on Sun. The reason for me bringing up the blog was an opening to talk about our situation. What you were looking for from me? What I was looking for from you? You know a honest talk about where we are at in life and what we are looking for. Maybe a little soon, but I think CB is right in my initial interruption of your blog that you were dating three guys, which again is perfectly ok as long as you are honest about it. Honestly I was trying to tell you that I was ok with you dating others as long as when you are with me, you are with me. When you are not, you are not. I wouldn't want or expect you to be texting or talking to me while you are with someone else. When I am with you I give you 100% of my attention and I just hope for the same in return.
LA, yes I think the little things are important, and Charmed I also think the diamonds are important too, I am not Allan Harper so no need to worry there. I do apologize for reading it again and don't really care too much about the blog but do keep in mind that you told me about it for a reason.... As for the Christmas party... Count me in!!
Oh and one last thing LC I'm really not.
TBM
Wow. I'm impressed on a number of counts. I'm glad my initial read wasn't incorrect, but I am also glad you both use this for dialogue rather than hurt feelings. :)
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