Forgiveness and Love: When it's not enough, and when it is.

 I'm really forgiving. I believe in unconditional love, second chances and that people can, and will, change themselves if they want to. All I want is honesty. The truth is the only real and undeniable thing in this world, that's why it's so important to me. No matter what happens as long as I get the truth I can forgive, and forget.
I dated a guy that I think cheated on me when he went out of town. I didn't want to know for sure, so I never asked, I just accepted that he was who he was, and I loved him for him. I never tried to change him, I fell for him, not who he could be, but who he was. I've heard "to forgive without requiring the other to change is not only self-destructive, but ensures a dysfunctional relationship will remain so by continually rewarding mistreatment" but I don't think so. I was happy with him, when he was with me I was his girlfriend, no one else was. He never lied to me, he just never came out and told me his "mistakes". He was a fantastic boyfriend, who I just didn't love enough. I ended it when I realized that. He wanted more, and I was happy just being his girlfriend. He was a great guy, just not the one for me. I thought he deserved someone who would give up anything for him, go to all lengths to be with him and keep him happy, because that's what I want.
Being honest, forgiving mistakes, trust, loving someone for who they are and sacrificing are some of the most important things to me. I'm willing to give all that, and more, and believe it will all come back to me. Happiness is a journey, not a destination, and I'm loving the ride!

The "But We Really Are Dating" Excuse

I love the book "He's Just Not That Into You". It's helped me see I'm not the only one in the world that has problems with men. I like to know I'm not the only one who has no idea what the hell I am doing, and that I am not the only one who screws it up. If you aren't familiar with the book let me give you a quick run down: the authors, Greg and Liz, have letters from women in some sort of 'relationship'. They write and describe their issue, but usually it sounds like an excuse for the man they are 'dating'. Greg and Liz write back and tell it how it is to these women, then give some advice. I was thinking that I was really happy that I knew the guy I'm seeing is into me, for once I didn't have to consult the book to see what I was doing wrong. I know he's into me, we spend almost every night together, we go out to events and he invites me out with his friends. He doesn't want the pressure of having a girlfriend and that's ok, I know he's only seeing me, we talked about it. I was having a bad day and wanted to read something that makes me feel good so I pulled out my tattered copy of "He's Just Not That Into You". I made it all the way to chapter three before my heart dropped and I almost threw it across the room. Let me share the section I had read.

"Dear Greg,
I've been dating a guy for three months. We spend four or five night a week together. We go to events together. He calls me when he's going to and never flakes out on me. We're having a great time. He recently informed me that he doesn't want to be anyone's boyfriend and isn't ready for a serious relationship. But I know he's not dating anyone else. I think he's just scared of the term 'boyfriend.' Greg I'm always hearing that women should listen to a man's actions, not their words. So doesn't that mean that I should just ignore him and be secure in the fact he wants to spend all this time with me-that no matter what he's actually saying, the truth is he's really into me?
Keisha

Dear Not Listening,
I looked up 'I don't want to be your boyfriend' in the Relationship Dictionary, just to make sure I wasn't mistaken, but I was right. It still means 'I don't want to be your boyfriend.' Wow. And this coming from the guy who's spending four or five nights a week with you. That must hurt. Nice to know your not-boyfriend gets to live in your world commitment-free. Not quite sure what you're getting. If you want to give all that time to a guy who's proclaiming he's not your boyfriend, then go ahead. But I'd hope that you'd at least go find someone who wasn't saying to your face, 'I'm just not that into you.'

Men, just like women, like to feel emotionally protected when a relationship starts to become serious. One way they do is by laying claim to it. They actually want to say 'I'm your boyfriend' or 'I'd like to be your boyfriend' or 'If you ever break up with the other guy who's not your boyfriend, I'd like to be your boyfriend.' A man who's really into you is going to want you all to himself. And why wouldn't he, hot stuff?"

Uhmmmm, did I write that letter and send it to Greg??? WTF!?!?! Isn't Keisha's letter EXACTLY what I had been thinking for the last few weeks! While fighting the urge to shred my book and mail every scrap back to Greg and Liz, I took a breath, my situation was different, wasn't it? No it isn't. It's exactly the same. And their advice is legit. I know there is a guy out there who wants to be my boyfriend, but am I going to want him? I have rules for men I have as by boyfriends, I don't just give anyone that title. Usually, I'm just not that into him. So many questions, no good answers. I'm done asking these questions I already know the answers too. If you've got an excuse for the man you're "dating, sort of, or what ever" let me know what it is, I bet it's in the book, or I've used it. We are all dating the same guy...the one that's just not that into us. Just be glad you aren't alone.

NYE and 2011 Resolutions

I hate New Years Eve. I hate the pressure, I hate the expectation, I hate the kissing at midnight tradition, I hate it all. I was just going to stay in or head to a friends house with my dog when TBM asked if I wanted to meet him in Seattle. He went to Seattle for Christmas with his family then headed to Houston, TX to visit some friends. He was going to spend NYE there but he wanted to come home early and threw this idea to meet him in Seattle at me. I was game. Nothing about him ever has pressure or expectation, and I wouldn't mind kissing him at midnight! He has been away for about a week, we had been texting and talking on Skype the whole time. He is really good at keeping in touch even though he was on vacation and with his friends. Since he flew to Houston on stand-by he was having a hard time getting a flight out to meet me in Seattle. I had about 5 plans to meet him there, depending on what day and time he actually did leave. The day before NYE he realised he was not getting to Seattle for a few days at least, so, he suggested I go there. Within half an hour I was packed and out the door ready to go to Houston, the Houston in Texas! As I sat on the Clipper to Seattle drinking a glass of champagne I chatted with the people around me. They asked where I was headed and I told them the story. Complete strangers were amazed I was travelling such a distance to see someone. I wasn't phased at all, I really wanted to see TBM and spend New Years Eve with someone I cared about. I would have travelled further.
After a boat ride, some light rail travel and a horrible red eye, I arrive in Houston, exhausted. He picked me up at the airport and took me to paradise! He was staying with his friend in a gated community on the lake. The house was amazingly beautiful, right on the lake, full of tall ceilings and granite. His friend suggested I take a nap in the media room. I settled in to a very comfy couch and he closed the curtain. A few hours later I woke up, first slightly confused, where the hell was I?, then it all came back to me. The first thing I thought of was how crazy was I to travel all that way to spend two nights in Texas with someone who isn't even my boy friend. He had taken me to Vancouver the week before he left and we spent the night at the Fairmont Pacific Rim. It was so gorgeous, and a great time. We had a discussion then about how he wanted to be single. I had a momentary panic attack when I recalled everything we talked about, then got it together. Fine, he doesn't want me as his girl friend, he wants to be single, but he did fly me all the way to Southern USA to be with him on New Years Eve. While his ex girlfriend was not an option because she was on another continent, I still felt special that I was there.
We had a fantastic night, awesome burrito dinner with his friends and their families, drinks, dance parties and champagne! At midnight we watched fireworks from across the lake and had a perfect kiss. Everyone assumed we were together, because that's how we act. He always treats me really respectfully and is sweet. I like being with him and it shows. After an adventure to the local pub with some bar top dancing and befriending an armed security guard we headed to bed.
The next day we went for a walk to see another one of his friends, then headed out for a quick dirt bike and golf cart ride. We had left over burritos for dinner and watched the UFC fight in the media room with a bunch of people. Everyone was so nice and for two whole days I didn't care he wasn't really my boy friend. I just had a great time with him.
We ended up missing our flight home, thankfully we made it on the next one. His sister kindly picked us up from the airport. I got to meet his neice and nephew, they were so sweeet. TBM and I spent the afternoon in Seattle together. We went to the Space Needle, snuck into the Sci Fi museum and had a good time. He dropped me off at the SeaHawks field so I could watch the football game before we rushed for the boarder and made the last ferry.
All in all it was the best New Years I have ever had. I spent it with someone who cares about me, who I care about, someone who has fun with me, and is just all around fantastic. I couldn't have asked for a better way to start 2011. Now to keep the good trend going... Here are my 2011 resolutions!

• Be more social. I like to stay in, I like to watch movies, I turn down lots of invites out. This has to stop! If I'm ever going to have a real relationship I need to get out, and let it happen! Sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring hasn't worked yet, so I'm breaking the trend.
• Stop over analysing. If it feels right, go with it! There doesn't have to always be a catch...does there?
• Don't get walked all over. I like to help people and make people happy, but this often comes at the expense of my feelings or needs. I'm still going to treat people the same way, but I'm going to make sure I'm not hurting myself in the process.
• Do more yoga! I love hot yoga, but since I work, teach, volunteer and like to try to sped time with my friends I don't go as much as I should. I need to pick 30 days and go everyday! This is going to be a tough one, but once I do it I know I'll be happy with myself.

Four resolutions is a lot for me, so here's hoping I can do it! It would be easier if I had a boyfriend to support my goals and help me get there, but I don't so I'll have to do it myself. That's probably the one thing I miss most about having a relationship, the dependability, the security of knowing no matter what happens I have someone I can turn to who won't judge, who will just make it all better with one kiss, hug, smile or word. Since 2011 started out so great, I'm assuming it's only going to get better, I'll make sure of it actually!

Top of the Space Needle in Seattle