TBM and I spent most of the day together. He helped me with some errands, and went for lunch. He got the truck door for me. I pretty much floated around I was so happy. He's so easy to be around, I'm never anxious around him and I can totally be myself. I really like it. But what is "it"? I, of course, like to label things so I started thinking about it. We went back to my house and he had a nap before my staff party. We got ready and headed up the mountain to have some dinner.
He was the perfect date. He dressed well, talked to people, got my drinks, was all around charming. It was so nice spending time with him in a social environment. We don't usually go out other than today. The staff party was pretty uneventful, I don't think anyone even danced, so we left pretty early. TBM took me to one of his friends party. I was someones date! I was someones date that I like!!
I spent the night at his house, and he made me breakfast in the morning. We had a lazy Sunday just hanging out and napping. This led to some conversations, one in particular about commitment. He brought up how he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Ouch. Going on he says he doesn't want to commit. Then, the topper, he said he could commit to sleeping with only me. At first I thought I was OK with this. I planned on relaxing and enjoying the time we spent together, but then I though WTF? This sounds more like he doesn't want a title, and doesn't want to title me. And why I am not worthy of the title, specifically title of Girl Friend?
I've been writing this for days now. I don't want to post it until after I talk to him about it again, because I know he'll read it. And so last week when he took me out for dinner I brought it up. Huge for me, I know! I told him I was having problems posting it and wanted to talk about it first. I really appreciate his honesty, and how he can tell me exactly what he wants (or in this case, doesn't want) I also have a really good time with him. He's told me he has a good time with me too, but... Ya, there's always a but! We had the same conversation again, and I told him, again, I'm OK with the no commitment commitment he is able to commit to, because I am, for now. I absolutely don't want to see anyone else, but... (told you there was always a but) I can't do this forever. I'm not going to pressure him into a title, or giving me a title, I'm actually going to just enjoy the time we spend together. I'm not a needy girl and I need to stop acting and thinking like one. I'm independent, sometimes too independent. I want to be with someone, and title it, but I don't have to do that right now.
So why haven't I posted this after almost 2 weeks? I just haven't convinced my self that I really am OK with it. It's one thing to say and know that not having a title is fine, and for the best right now, but my heart just can't accept it. CB asked me if I'd rather have half of something or all of nothing, and that definitely helped my head be even more OK with my hearts situation. I talked to him about this AGAIN last night with the same result, obviously, he really just wants to be single. As long as he's going to be single with me I'll live. I'll take my half of something, and enjoy it.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I LOVE My Friends
Social media is the devil. I don't like to be Facebook friends with people I don't know very well. I use the limited profile for business contacts and anyone else I just get to know the real them first, and they me, then I add. I added The Bed Maker after another great day with him. It's a pretty big thing for me, but I took the step and let him see my profile.
He came over for dinner the day after, and mentioned he found my blog. Damn. It's my own fault. I should have never added the link on my profile. My friends know the stories first hand, so it wasn't a big deal if they read it. Having him read it though...little different. He was different, and quiet for most of the night. So was I. I couldn't stop my thinking about what he read, how he interpreted it, how he reacted. I felt pretty bad. Then I realized, I was having a feeling! I don't seem to care about men very much. I haven't dated anyone since I lived in Toronto almost two years ago. I would like to blame the West Coast Men, but at some point I'll have to admit: its me. I really can't stand the thought of being hurt, ever again. This makes me so guarded no one knows how I feel, including me. Usually this facade works well, I have fun, I work hard, I play harder, I find new fun elsewhere before I let myself get attached. The cycle continues. I don't know how long I could go on like this for but I think it should stop. The sound of his voice when he brought it up made me realize my walls don't just affect me, they affect the people in my life. He definitely doesn't deserve that.
I did what all girls do today and asked my girl friends what they thought. Here is what they said, and my responses now that I've had time to ponder their amazingly honest and appreciated comments:
CB: "It sounds like you're dating three guys and not happy with any of them, but like The Friend most"
Me: Hmm, yes it does after a second read. Perception really is everything, and I didn't see it till after, but it's the first thing CB thought. Since I've met TBM he's the only person I've seen, or wanted to see. I've stayed up way too late and gotten up way to early just to spend a few hours with him. No where did I say that, I just knew it. Did I just expect him to read my mind? Apparently.
KB: "You met a boy you can hang out with more than twice?"
Me: Yes I did, and I have nooooo idea what to do about it. At this point I'm thinking talking to friends was a flawed plan. No one quite knows how to take me when I'm trying to be serious and talk feelings.
LA: "He helps you make the bed in the morning, that's why I named him The Bed Maker. He makes you laugh, and you both have fun. No guy that makes your bed, laughs and has fun is really going to care too much about what you wrote in a blog."
Me: Sure hope so. He did say he wasn't going to read it ever again, but that doesn't make what he did read go away. Why is it such a big deal to me that he helps me make my bed, and dinner, and empty my dishwasher? The simple things really do matter I guess. Diamonds do too though, lets never forget that.
LC: "He's hot."
Me: Yes, he is, stop creeping him on FB please.
What have I learned from this weekend? Mimosa's are bottomless on Sundays, my friends are amazing and I need them more than they'll ever know, and I actually like The Bed Maker. Enough to put myself out there and see where it goes with him? We'll just have to wait and see, but I'm going to try. I did invite him to my staff Christmas function, that's something...
He came over for dinner the day after, and mentioned he found my blog. Damn. It's my own fault. I should have never added the link on my profile. My friends know the stories first hand, so it wasn't a big deal if they read it. Having him read it though...little different. He was different, and quiet for most of the night. So was I. I couldn't stop my thinking about what he read, how he interpreted it, how he reacted. I felt pretty bad. Then I realized, I was having a feeling! I don't seem to care about men very much. I haven't dated anyone since I lived in Toronto almost two years ago. I would like to blame the West Coast Men, but at some point I'll have to admit: its me. I really can't stand the thought of being hurt, ever again. This makes me so guarded no one knows how I feel, including me. Usually this facade works well, I have fun, I work hard, I play harder, I find new fun elsewhere before I let myself get attached. The cycle continues. I don't know how long I could go on like this for but I think it should stop. The sound of his voice when he brought it up made me realize my walls don't just affect me, they affect the people in my life. He definitely doesn't deserve that.
I did what all girls do today and asked my girl friends what they thought. Here is what they said, and my responses now that I've had time to ponder their amazingly honest and appreciated comments:
CB: "It sounds like you're dating three guys and not happy with any of them, but like The Friend most"
Me: Hmm, yes it does after a second read. Perception really is everything, and I didn't see it till after, but it's the first thing CB thought. Since I've met TBM he's the only person I've seen, or wanted to see. I've stayed up way too late and gotten up way to early just to spend a few hours with him. No where did I say that, I just knew it. Did I just expect him to read my mind? Apparently.
KB: "You met a boy you can hang out with more than twice?"
Me: Yes I did, and I have nooooo idea what to do about it. At this point I'm thinking talking to friends was a flawed plan. No one quite knows how to take me when I'm trying to be serious and talk feelings.
LA: "He helps you make the bed in the morning, that's why I named him The Bed Maker. He makes you laugh, and you both have fun. No guy that makes your bed, laughs and has fun is really going to care too much about what you wrote in a blog."
Me: Sure hope so. He did say he wasn't going to read it ever again, but that doesn't make what he did read go away. Why is it such a big deal to me that he helps me make my bed, and dinner, and empty my dishwasher? The simple things really do matter I guess. Diamonds do too though, lets never forget that.
LC: "He's hot."
Me: Yes, he is, stop creeping him on FB please.
What have I learned from this weekend? Mimosa's are bottomless on Sundays, my friends are amazing and I need them more than they'll ever know, and I actually like The Bed Maker. Enough to put myself out there and see where it goes with him? We'll just have to wait and see, but I'm going to try. I did invite him to my staff Christmas function, that's something...
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Life After Fishing
I did it! I deleted my online dating profile. Not because I met the man of my dreams, not because I'm even seeing someone, just because it had to be done. After months and months of terrible messages I'm very glad it's over. I had set the criteria so only users within my parametres could message me, but they still managed to get by it. I was looking for someone who was single, within 10 km's, and no children. I would daily get messages from men and after a few responses back and forth they'd end up saying they're separated, thier kids only are with them on weekends, and they live in Naniamo. What?? Why would you think I was interested in getting to know someone who couldn't tell the truth on simple questions like: "Marital Status" or "Do You Have Children?"
I guess my online experience hasn't been a complete waste of time. I did meet Five Minutes Late and The Bed Maker. I still talk to both of these sweet guys but of course it's gone no where with either. I'm obviously expecting too much from men in general. I mean, what kind of selfish girl wants to go out on a real date and not just come over to your house at 11:00pm to hang out?
I have been talking to The Friend quite a bit lately. He also is a guy who likes to just watch movies and sit around at night. I can't say I blame him too much as he doesn't want The Non BF to know about our involvement. So when I texted him on Friday night imagine my surprise when I got a message back from a number not stored in my phone saying: "I'm with (The Friend). What's with the text??" Ummm, uh oh! I had deleted The Non BF's number months ago so I wouldn't drunk dial, so when I replied with "Who is this?" he got a little upset. Apparently The Non was holding The Friends phone at the exact time I messaged him. I ended up sending a few messages back and forth between the both of them. I also had to re read them all in the morning to make sure I hadn't said anything I'd regret. I'm still a little hurt about The Non, but I definitely don't want to do anything worse to jeopardise their friendship. I know it's not my friendship to ruin, but I do care about both of them. My plan is just deny, deny, deny if The Non BF asks, and to keep seeing The Friend on the sly. Apparently he doesn't suspect anything, and that's pretty funny considering what he does for work. I know if he asked me to my face he would see right through me though. Sigh.
Well, It's holiday party season, time to get out into the real world and meet "The One". Wish me luck
I guess my online experience hasn't been a complete waste of time. I did meet Five Minutes Late and The Bed Maker. I still talk to both of these sweet guys but of course it's gone no where with either. I'm obviously expecting too much from men in general. I mean, what kind of selfish girl wants to go out on a real date and not just come over to your house at 11:00pm to hang out?
I have been talking to The Friend quite a bit lately. He also is a guy who likes to just watch movies and sit around at night. I can't say I blame him too much as he doesn't want The Non BF to know about our involvement. So when I texted him on Friday night imagine my surprise when I got a message back from a number not stored in my phone saying: "I'm with (The Friend). What's with the text??" Ummm, uh oh! I had deleted The Non BF's number months ago so I wouldn't drunk dial, so when I replied with "Who is this?" he got a little upset. Apparently The Non was holding The Friends phone at the exact time I messaged him. I ended up sending a few messages back and forth between the both of them. I also had to re read them all in the morning to make sure I hadn't said anything I'd regret. I'm still a little hurt about The Non, but I definitely don't want to do anything worse to jeopardise their friendship. I know it's not my friendship to ruin, but I do care about both of them. My plan is just deny, deny, deny if The Non BF asks, and to keep seeing The Friend on the sly. Apparently he doesn't suspect anything, and that's pretty funny considering what he does for work. I know if he asked me to my face he would see right through me though. Sigh.
Well, It's holiday party season, time to get out into the real world and meet "The One". Wish me luck
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