The Glass isn't Half Full, it's Empty.

I'm having a hard time getting over TBM. Not because I want to get back together, but because I feel I wasted a whole year of my life. What do I have to show for our year together? Besides a beautiful Tiffany & Co. hand engraved with the word "Charmed" bracelet, what did I get from our relationship? He got a devoted live in girl friend who worshiped him and did everything she could to make his life easier and fun. He got constant forgiveness and unconditional love. He got someone who was willing to sacrifice anything and everything for the good of the relationship. I got a bracelet?? As I thought more about this I got pretty bitter, then I realized I got a few other things too...

A kick ass Guacamole recipe! TBM makes hands down THE BEST guacamole. It's fantastic. And I know how to make it! I'd never thought of making my own guac, you can buy that stuff, but now I can! And it's so good!! I'll absolutely give you the recipe, or make you a batch. It goes great with tequila!

A little spice in my life! I used to have the most bland diet. When I lived in Toronto I ate all sorts of amazing foods. When I moved back to the Island I reverted back to meat and potatoes. The restaurant selection here just isn't good! TBM showed me I like burritos, and that I can make them my self if I have too! I can also cook my regular bland food with jalapenos (or serrano's if I screw up! They look similar...) I would have never tried them with out him. I know, you're thinking "Wow, all food related, that's so deep." but I'm currently hungry, and those two just came out first!

My friends will always be there. No matter how many times I annoyed my friends with the short comings of our relationship they were there. After we broke up I stayed with one of my friends for a few days. My dog and my tears showed up with no notice and I was welcomed with open arms, not just by her, but by her bf too. They didn't care what a mess I was, they were just there and let me be me. My friends have always been the same, awesome. Sure my relationship status, address and lifestyle has changed but they are still my friends, and always will be.

A new friend. When I first met his cousin I thought of her as his cousin. She was quiet and nothing like me. She's very sweet, a little quiet, and our life experiences are not a like at all. We've had very different relationships, work history, and family life (she's an only child). I used to think of her as TBM's cousin. Now shes my friend. She's proven to be a very solid sounding board, even though she's going through some major changes and issues of her own. She's been loyal, honest and straight forward. She loves wine, just like I do! She has her own opinion and tells me. When a mutual friend of ours did something shady I made a comment about this bitch. She said "I like (this bitch)" showing she is loyal to all her friends. She doesn't take sides, but sees all of them. Even though she is his cousin, she's been a good friend, and I'm glad to have met her and got to know her.

What I want in life, and relationships. He doesn't want to get married. I do. I also am open to having ONE child (and not raise it like his all organic consuming, judgemental, narrow minded sister raises her 'golden children'. They're the most talented, beautiful, do-no-wrong, brilliant kids in the world, ask her, or him for that matter.) I don't want to go to the bar and stay out all night. I want a house with a yard for my dog. I want to know my bf wants the same things I do. I like my job, and want to be with someone who is satisfied with their career too, not constantly bitching but doing nothing about it. When I set a goal I make sure I reach it. I want to be with someone who also sets, and reaches their goals.

So I did get a few good things out of our relationship, more than a bracelet, but what are the best things about parting ways with TBM? 

Knowing I'm not alone, even though I'm not part of a couple. One of the worst parts of this break up was feeling so alone. I didn't have anyone to make dinner for, so I didn't eat. I didn't have anyone to go out with, so I stayed in bed all weekend. Alright, I'm still sort of doing both these things but at least I don't feel so alone anymore. I have a friend who watches terrible reality TV with me, even though she's a few time zones away. I have a friend who BBM's or Tweets me a simple "Keep your chin up" so I know shes thinking of me. I have a friend who makes sure I eat, even if she has to bring me food to work. She also asks how I'm doing every day, and that in itself makes me feel I'm not alone.

I get to blog! I like to write about my adventures. I have ridiculous adventures. Did you know I went to the Play Boy Mansion for Halloween? How about that I spent a weekend with Shannon Tweed and Gene Simmons? No you didn't, because I had a bf who was so rattled by me doing fun things with out him I couldn't share them with any one. I couldn't enjoy them as much as I should have. I had to down play the fact that I was really excited about these things. I was excited about things that didn't always include him. And that is OK!! So far I've got two adventures planned. A road trip to see a country music concert in February and Vegas in April for my Birthday. You can bet I'll be sharing some details about these trips! Well, maybe not the Vegas one...

So while the glass of our relationship is very empty, the bottle of my life is full. And the tasting notes on this bottle: Fucking Awesome.

Wine is my New Boy Friend

I have more than enough stories of The Bed Makers poor decisions to write a book. From midnight walks with unattractive fitness instructors to emailing ex flames in other countries saying I wasn't the one "but she'll do till you're ready" this beauty has done it all to me. He texted many a young girl, took one skiing while I looked after his dog, tried to hide his ex's phone number in his phone under his work number, went away with his classy friends where they cheated on their wives and girlfriends. He lied about stupid things, he lied about major things, he lied about a lot of things, but never about loving me. He tells me still he wants to work on us and be with me, but he claims he's damaged and needs to sort him self out. He comes over, does my dishes, folds my laundry then tells me he's interested in someone else, after spending the evening with me. Then he refuses to leave, and spends the night cuddling me. The moment things got rough with us he rekindles his friendship with his boring, overly conservative, extremely cheap ex. (The one he lied to about me, and me about her) I could go on and on about the crap he's done, but why? The Bed Maker is officially my ex-boyfriend. It sucks to admit that. It sucks to know I'd take him back in a half a heartbeat. It sucks the most to just want him to be happy, even if it's with some flakey trollop who could never care for him like I can. I'd just prefer him to be happy. So enough of dwelling on his indiscretions, I've let them all go. I know it was never about me, it was always his garbage. I clearly deserved better treatment than I got, and I expect going forward I will be treated better. I already have my new love interest in my sites...

It's wine. Wine is my new boy friend. Wine is always there when I need it. I can get many varieties of wine. Red, sparkling, white, cheap, expensive, young or old. I can have lots of wine, or just a taste. I am in control with wine. If I want to feel bad the next day about my night with wine, I can, I just have to order that second bottle! If I want to feel fantastic, I just get a rare bottle and enjoy it with friends. That's the best part about my new boy friend...my friends LOVE it too!! I don't get "oh, you can do better" because I can't!! I never hear from a friend of a friends dog groomer that MY wine has been canoodling some chick at a Saanich restaurant/pub, because MY wine doesn't go to such scum bag, skank filled establishments! My wine is where ever I am. it doesn't go out without me! My wine likes to join me at nice restaurants. My wine would never stay out all night with its friends, then get a ride home with a slutty single mother (who's slept with more than one of his friends) at 4 am with no shoes because he's thrown them into a tree. Who throws a shoe, let alone two!! And I digress... Lets bring this back to what this is about: Wine.

Since I'm back to being Charmed and Single I hope you'll read my adventures with wine. And Qoola. I love that stuff. I hope you'll all hold me accountable for the list of things I'm planning on doing this year, as Charmed and Single. Share what your 2012 goals are with me! I'll help you out with them if you help me with mine!!
My 2012 Things To Do

• Drink a different bottle of wine once a month with a friend. Probably eat cheese with said wine. Or steak. Meat is fantastic.
• Attend one Moksha Yoga class a month. While I am teaching about 14 hours a week this year on top of my full time day job and part time bartending job I really feel yoga is needed in my life. Once a month is possible!
• Call my out of town friends. Not BBM, not text, CALL. At least once a month. My out of town friends have proven to be the most loyal, supportive, encouraging and positive people in my life. They deserve more.
• Read a new book every month. I usually read one anyway. But I'm hoping you'll share what you're reading, then I can read it too, and we can get together and talk about it...with wine.
• Once a month: Girls night. OK, guys can come too. But once a month get my friends together and do something. Probably with wine. I tend to work and hide in bed instead of being social. This needs to stop!
• Las Vegas. April 5th to 9th and in December. Happy Birthday to me in April! You're all welcome to join me.
• Do one Video Blog. YIKES! This one scares me. It's so much easier to hide behind the letters! Topic ideas for this?? Share! Help me out!

Happy New Year! I hope 2012 is amazing for everyone. If it is the last year the world turns, lets make the most of it!! XOXO

Mission Hill Family Estates Cellar. A-Maz-ing. Anyone up for a road trip this summer?

Happy Birthday Sea Breeze!

In February I said yes to every invite. I wouldn't have said no to my friend anyway! The plan was flawless, dinner at a steak house, a visit to the games room for darts and closing out the night with a session at The Fox. So, how did it go...

We show up, on time, for our reservation. Ric's Grill was not ready for us. The 10 of us had to sit on the 3 chairs in the waiting area while our table was prepared. We were not promptly greeted, nor offered beverages in a timely manor. When our lack luster server finally came to us I was starving, and when i get hungry, it's ugly. I ordered two beverages, one I requested with my meal and an appy while everyone decided what they wanted. The menu is great, lots of options and reasonable price points. We enjoyed the room while we waited for our drinks. Good thing its a nice room, the drinks took forever. So long in fact my appy arrived before any ones drinks. When our drinks did get to our table they were auctioned off in a cheap Pizza Hut "WHO HAD THE DIET?" style. Not the service you would expect. Both of mine showed up at the same time too, not as requested, brutal. The glass of sparkling was great ($7) and the Dancing Bull Red Zinfandel ($9) was, as always, adequate. My appy was delicious! Ahi Tuna Carpaccio ($13.95) seasoned with Cajun spices and a ginger wasabi butter. I couldn't identify the Cajun spice but the mild wasabi butter was great and complimented well with the capers. I would absolutely order this again. Eventually our mains showed up, you could see the servers counting seats as they brought the plates out. I was glad we had gotten passed the auction service. Sea Breeze's plate was delivered, upside down. Last time I checked the protein was served at six o'clock, not eleven forty five. Mine was presented as a Filet with Cognac Cream Sauce. I ordered a 6 oz Sirloin ($20.95) with Oscar Deluxe Topping ($9.95). The plate in front of me was obviously not a filet, they come wrapped in bacon. The lack of knowledge, enthusiasm and service standards was ridiculous. Glad to have what I ordered, even though it was delivered all wrong, I dug in. The scallops and prawns were great. The asparagus and other veg on the plate were undercooked. While I liked them that way I know some people like their veggies cooked, so just an FYI. The steak was small, and not medium rare, but rare. I like rare, so again, their screw up was fine by me! Our plates were cleared eventually by stacking them in one huge pile. I actually expected the server to scrape all the scraps onto one plate for the dog just like at Grandmas. I don't know about you, but plates should come off a table as they go on, one at a time! I have a Creme Brule fetish and when "super" server finally returned I requested some. He absolutely had no interest in selling us anything, there was not one offer of an additional drink so I was glad I ordered two right off the hop! The Creme Brule flavour was vanilla, while boring, I was looking very forward to it. About five minutes after ordering a random person we had never seen arrived asking who ordered the Creme Brule. I put up my hand, and he advised me they were all out of the Bailey's flavour and would it be ok if they served me Blueberry. Uh, NO!! First of all when did Bailey's happen?? And secondly, Blueberry? Ick. At this point I was thirsty, now annoyed and just wanted out anyway. Our bills took forever. We were very clear who was with who so it should not have been an issue, and they were all correct, when they eventually arrived. I filled out my service survey advising of my disappointment but I still tipped, hoping our server will now have enough to get on the ferry, move and go ruin someone elses night in another city. My total bill for myself was $68.15 taxes in plus tip. It would have been worth it had the service been remotely acceptable. Thanks "Matt". Ahhhh, moving on...

We Walked up to the Games Room at The Sticky Wicket at The Strathcona Hotel. It was so busy there was no getting a table! Saturday night in Victoria there really isn't much else to do so this was expected. Our attempt to play darts was dashed by the volume of people playing. We regrouped and made arrangements to head to The Fox for part three of the evening.

We found a table in the over full show room. The entertainment was good, company was better and over all I had a great time. I had the dogs in the truck so I left at a reasonable hour and went to meet TBM at the casino for a drink and some slot machine fun. This was my favorite part of the night. I was glad I went out, and I hope Sea Breeze had a fun Birthday.

I would go to Ric's Grill again, but in a smaller group. Maybe ten people was just too much for poor Matt. I'd like to spend a night in the games room too, it had a good vibe, so I'll have to make an effort to get there earlier one day. And every night at The Fox is a good one...so you know you'll see me there again! Happy Birthday Sea Breeze!! xo

NYE and 2011 Resolutions

I hate New Years Eve. I hate the pressure, I hate the expectation, I hate the kissing at midnight tradition, I hate it all. I was just going to stay in or head to a friends house with my dog when TBM asked if I wanted to meet him in Seattle. He went to Seattle for Christmas with his family then headed to Houston, TX to visit some friends. He was going to spend NYE there but he wanted to come home early and threw this idea to meet him in Seattle at me. I was game. Nothing about him ever has pressure or expectation, and I wouldn't mind kissing him at midnight! He has been away for about a week, we had been texting and talking on Skype the whole time. He is really good at keeping in touch even though he was on vacation and with his friends. Since he flew to Houston on stand-by he was having a hard time getting a flight out to meet me in Seattle. I had about 5 plans to meet him there, depending on what day and time he actually did leave. The day before NYE he realised he was not getting to Seattle for a few days at least, so, he suggested I go there. Within half an hour I was packed and out the door ready to go to Houston, the Houston in Texas! As I sat on the Clipper to Seattle drinking a glass of champagne I chatted with the people around me. They asked where I was headed and I told them the story. Complete strangers were amazed I was travelling such a distance to see someone. I wasn't phased at all, I really wanted to see TBM and spend New Years Eve with someone I cared about. I would have travelled further.
After a boat ride, some light rail travel and a horrible red eye, I arrive in Houston, exhausted. He picked me up at the airport and took me to paradise! He was staying with his friend in a gated community on the lake. The house was amazingly beautiful, right on the lake, full of tall ceilings and granite. His friend suggested I take a nap in the media room. I settled in to a very comfy couch and he closed the curtain. A few hours later I woke up, first slightly confused, where the hell was I?, then it all came back to me. The first thing I thought of was how crazy was I to travel all that way to spend two nights in Texas with someone who isn't even my boy friend. He had taken me to Vancouver the week before he left and we spent the night at the Fairmont Pacific Rim. It was so gorgeous, and a great time. We had a discussion then about how he wanted to be single. I had a momentary panic attack when I recalled everything we talked about, then got it together. Fine, he doesn't want me as his girl friend, he wants to be single, but he did fly me all the way to Southern USA to be with him on New Years Eve. While his ex girlfriend was not an option because she was on another continent, I still felt special that I was there.
We had a fantastic night, awesome burrito dinner with his friends and their families, drinks, dance parties and champagne! At midnight we watched fireworks from across the lake and had a perfect kiss. Everyone assumed we were together, because that's how we act. He always treats me really respectfully and is sweet. I like being with him and it shows. After an adventure to the local pub with some bar top dancing and befriending an armed security guard we headed to bed.
The next day we went for a walk to see another one of his friends, then headed out for a quick dirt bike and golf cart ride. We had left over burritos for dinner and watched the UFC fight in the media room with a bunch of people. Everyone was so nice and for two whole days I didn't care he wasn't really my boy friend. I just had a great time with him.
We ended up missing our flight home, thankfully we made it on the next one. His sister kindly picked us up from the airport. I got to meet his neice and nephew, they were so sweeet. TBM and I spent the afternoon in Seattle together. We went to the Space Needle, snuck into the Sci Fi museum and had a good time. He dropped me off at the SeaHawks field so I could watch the football game before we rushed for the boarder and made the last ferry.
All in all it was the best New Years I have ever had. I spent it with someone who cares about me, who I care about, someone who has fun with me, and is just all around fantastic. I couldn't have asked for a better way to start 2011. Now to keep the good trend going... Here are my 2011 resolutions!

• Be more social. I like to stay in, I like to watch movies, I turn down lots of invites out. This has to stop! If I'm ever going to have a real relationship I need to get out, and let it happen! Sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring hasn't worked yet, so I'm breaking the trend.
• Stop over analysing. If it feels right, go with it! There doesn't have to always be a catch...does there?
• Don't get walked all over. I like to help people and make people happy, but this often comes at the expense of my feelings or needs. I'm still going to treat people the same way, but I'm going to make sure I'm not hurting myself in the process.
• Do more yoga! I love hot yoga, but since I work, teach, volunteer and like to try to sped time with my friends I don't go as much as I should. I need to pick 30 days and go everyday! This is going to be a tough one, but once I do it I know I'll be happy with myself.

Four resolutions is a lot for me, so here's hoping I can do it! It would be easier if I had a boyfriend to support my goals and help me get there, but I don't so I'll have to do it myself. That's probably the one thing I miss most about having a relationship, the dependability, the security of knowing no matter what happens I have someone I can turn to who won't judge, who will just make it all better with one kiss, hug, smile or word. Since 2011 started out so great, I'm assuming it's only going to get better, I'll make sure of it actually!

Top of the Space Needle in Seattle



The No Commitment Commitment

TBM and I spent most of the day together. He helped me with some errands, and went for lunch. He got the truck door for me. I pretty much floated around I was so happy. He's so easy to be around, I'm never anxious around him and I can totally be myself. I really like it. But what is "it"? I, of course, like to label things so I started thinking about it. We went back to my house and he had a nap before my staff party. We got ready and headed up the mountain to have some dinner.
He was the perfect date. He dressed well, talked to people, got my drinks, was all around charming. It was so nice spending time with him in a social environment. We don't usually go out other than today. The staff party was pretty uneventful, I don't think anyone even danced, so we left pretty early. TBM took me to one of his friends party. I was someones date! I was someones date that I like!!
I spent the night at his house, and he made me breakfast in the morning. We had a lazy Sunday just hanging out and napping. This led to some conversations, one in particular about commitment. He brought up how he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Ouch. Going on he says he doesn't want to commit. Then, the topper, he said he could commit to sleeping with only me. At first I thought I was OK with this. I planned on relaxing and enjoying the time we spent together, but then I though WTF? This sounds more like he doesn't want a title, and doesn't want to title me. And why I am not worthy of the title, specifically title of Girl Friend?
I've been writing this for days now. I don't want to post it until after I talk to him about it again, because I know he'll read it. And so last week when he took me out for dinner I brought it up. Huge for me, I know! I told him I was having problems posting it and wanted to talk about it first. I really appreciate his honesty, and how he can tell me exactly what he wants (or in this case, doesn't want) I also have a really good time with him. He's told me he has a good time with me too, but... Ya, there's always a but! We had the same conversation again, and I told him, again, I'm OK with the no commitment commitment he is able to commit to, because I am, for now. I absolutely don't want to see anyone else, but... (told you there was always a but) I can't do this forever. I'm not going to pressure him into a title, or giving me a title, I'm actually going to just enjoy the time we spend together. I'm not a needy girl and I need to stop acting and thinking like one. I'm independent, sometimes too independent. I want to be with someone, and title it, but I don't have to do that right now.
So why haven't I posted this after almost 2 weeks? I just haven't convinced my self that I really am OK with it. It's one thing to say and know that not having a title is fine, and for the best right now, but my heart just can't accept it. CB asked me if I'd rather have half of something or all of nothing, and that definitely helped my head be even more OK with my hearts situation. I talked to him about this AGAIN last night with the same result, obviously, he really just wants to be single. As long as he's going to be single with me I'll live. I'll take my half of something, and enjoy it.