The "But We Really Are Dating" Excuse

I love the book "He's Just Not That Into You". It's helped me see I'm not the only one in the world that has problems with men. I like to know I'm not the only one who has no idea what the hell I am doing, and that I am not the only one who screws it up. If you aren't familiar with the book let me give you a quick run down: the authors, Greg and Liz, have letters from women in some sort of 'relationship'. They write and describe their issue, but usually it sounds like an excuse for the man they are 'dating'. Greg and Liz write back and tell it how it is to these women, then give some advice. I was thinking that I was really happy that I knew the guy I'm seeing is into me, for once I didn't have to consult the book to see what I was doing wrong. I know he's into me, we spend almost every night together, we go out to events and he invites me out with his friends. He doesn't want the pressure of having a girlfriend and that's ok, I know he's only seeing me, we talked about it. I was having a bad day and wanted to read something that makes me feel good so I pulled out my tattered copy of "He's Just Not That Into You". I made it all the way to chapter three before my heart dropped and I almost threw it across the room. Let me share the section I had read.

"Dear Greg,
I've been dating a guy for three months. We spend four or five night a week together. We go to events together. He calls me when he's going to and never flakes out on me. We're having a great time. He recently informed me that he doesn't want to be anyone's boyfriend and isn't ready for a serious relationship. But I know he's not dating anyone else. I think he's just scared of the term 'boyfriend.' Greg I'm always hearing that women should listen to a man's actions, not their words. So doesn't that mean that I should just ignore him and be secure in the fact he wants to spend all this time with me-that no matter what he's actually saying, the truth is he's really into me?
Keisha

Dear Not Listening,
I looked up 'I don't want to be your boyfriend' in the Relationship Dictionary, just to make sure I wasn't mistaken, but I was right. It still means 'I don't want to be your boyfriend.' Wow. And this coming from the guy who's spending four or five nights a week with you. That must hurt. Nice to know your not-boyfriend gets to live in your world commitment-free. Not quite sure what you're getting. If you want to give all that time to a guy who's proclaiming he's not your boyfriend, then go ahead. But I'd hope that you'd at least go find someone who wasn't saying to your face, 'I'm just not that into you.'

Men, just like women, like to feel emotionally protected when a relationship starts to become serious. One way they do is by laying claim to it. They actually want to say 'I'm your boyfriend' or 'I'd like to be your boyfriend' or 'If you ever break up with the other guy who's not your boyfriend, I'd like to be your boyfriend.' A man who's really into you is going to want you all to himself. And why wouldn't he, hot stuff?"

Uhmmmm, did I write that letter and send it to Greg??? WTF!?!?! Isn't Keisha's letter EXACTLY what I had been thinking for the last few weeks! While fighting the urge to shred my book and mail every scrap back to Greg and Liz, I took a breath, my situation was different, wasn't it? No it isn't. It's exactly the same. And their advice is legit. I know there is a guy out there who wants to be my boyfriend, but am I going to want him? I have rules for men I have as by boyfriends, I don't just give anyone that title. Usually, I'm just not that into him. So many questions, no good answers. I'm done asking these questions I already know the answers too. If you've got an excuse for the man you're "dating, sort of, or what ever" let me know what it is, I bet it's in the book, or I've used it. We are all dating the same guy...the one that's just not that into us. Just be glad you aren't alone.